I got laid off in January.
Being laid off is weird. Friday was my last official day as an employee, and today, as I write this, it is my first official day as a contractor.
No Longer Employed
On Friday, I felt a lot of things, and not all those things felt like normal emotions. I was exhausted and irritable. I still feel like I'm in this liminal space between free fall and solid ground.
I'm applying for jobs. I made a spreadsheet listing the company, the job I applied for, where I found the listing, and when I applied.
When anybody asks how the job hunt is going, I tell them I am virtually carpet-bombing the world with my resume. I say this with the joyful tone of someone going full-on Jackson Pollock on their living room walls. But, honestly, I'm a little sad.
Job Hunt Sads
I wanted to retire from my job. While I wouldn't say I was passionate about it, I enjoyed working with a group of people who were on the same team and working toward the same big goal.
I have never liked working for others, but my coworkers made showing up for work as much a social outing as an obligation.
Secondly, I'm 43 years old, and life has been interesting. That being said, my retirement fund is not where it needs to be. So let's be honest: I will likely be working for the rest of my life. While I like to think I would choose to work the rest of my life, I would like it to be a choice and not have-to situation.
Jobs are a blessing. I am blessed and lucky, but I'm also human. I'm complex and able to hold two feelings in my body at the same time. Right now, those two feelings are excitement at new possibilities and sadness at the thought of signing my life over to another company that isn't fulfilling.
For transparency's sake - I haven't had a full outside-of-work life recently, and that's my fault. I've stopped doing a lot of the things that I love. It started when I transitioned to working remotely.
I've never been a person who wanted to find my meaning and personal self-worth at work. Jobs are for earning money and keeping the roof over your head. If you're lucky enough to like the people you work with, that's a bonus!
When I'm looking for new jobs, I apply everywhere, and I see no hope of finding a job that has meaning or purpose. I might be ready for a little meaningful and purpose-driven employment. If I have to work for someone else, can't it be for someone or something that benefits my community, my city, my state, my world?
For 20+ years, I taught yoga, and health and wellness workshops, and I enjoyed that. During that period of my life where I was doing that full-time, I had hundreds of days where I taught a class and was touched by the responses that I got from the people who showed up, surprised by how impactful a simple fitness class could be, and overwhelmed by the good and positive changes that I saw in the people who came to see me every day for years.
Even while doing that job, there were days I did not want to go to work. When the energetic exchange between employer and employee is unequal, it drains you. Striking an equal balance between the two is very difficult.
As a business owner, finding balance or ensuring that the pendulum swings in both your and your customer/client's favor is incredibly important and delicate.
When you have that balance, you must remember it is only temporary because things will get out of whack again. That's what happened with yoga.
Things got financially out of whack. I was working more than I received. It was scary and sad. So, I returned to work full-time, which is all she wrote.
What am I going to do now?
Well, I'm going to do what I need to do to support my family, but I'm also going to do what I need to do to support myself emotionally and mentally. I've not done any creative projects in years.
Many of you are on this blog because you've taken one of my writing courses. I've done a lot of private writing in the last few years. I've hardly posted on my blogs, and my newsletters have kind of dried out.
I love teaching. I'm going to start teaching again regularly. I'm going to teach writing in a semi-live format going forward. It is not the "how to earn six figures using AI to write books" kind of writing classes, but writing for pleasure.
People need to do creative activities, and writing is so accessible! Writing in a group with other people who love writing is so enjoyable. It takes a solitary activity and makes it just social enough not to be overwhelming.
Part of me wants to get back into fitness education, but I think I would rather just write about it. Recently, I got a Menopause Specialist Certification, and truth be told, I've only used it to benefit myself and a few of my friends. So, I may start doing that again. We’ll see.
So, I got laid off, and this is an edited version of a brain dump journal entry I wrote about how I feel about it.
I'm going to rest this week and take care of myself. I'm going to do things that make me happy, and while I'm doing that, I'm also going to make a plan to ensure that if this ever happens again, I'll be ready.
I know there are a lot of people who are going through what I'm going through right now, and probably in different and more devastating situations. I just want to say that we're going to get through this.
Again, I know how lucky I am, but you're lucky too.
You have to remember you're lucky, and you need to do the things that we all need to do, which is exercise our ability to make our own luck.
So, good luck to you, and good luck to me too.